I went back to counseling yesterday. Something I wish everyone in the world had access too. And as soon as my session was over I had a release that gave me the ability to articulate my thoughts easier than I have in months. I get these releases often, but it’s frustrating while I struggle through and wait for them to come to fruition:
Show them the good parts.
Choosing to treat Hashimoto’s along with other autoimmune conditions naturally and holistically after a lifetime of not has been extremely hard. It comes with a lot of challenges. But I get to choose and I wouldn’t choose it any other way. I ping pong back and forth and remind myself I don’t have to defend, prove or explain my choices to anyone- but most days I feel completely misunderstood. And it’s nobody’s fault- we all have different world views, opinions, and sometimes we just don’t get it. That’s okay. But I know we all long to be understood. I know I do.
I long for someone to see what I’m going through, love me despite it and keep letting me choose it. Because I’m going to. I’ll be sassy bout it, I’ll be stubborn, and I’m going to love the process but also be real about it. I’m not going to deny my reality and needs, but it wouldn’t be fair to not share the delight and all the good parts. My why.
So, I’ll start here. I asked Elisa Fay to photograph me.
When I was 3 my parents noticed that I wasn’t growing; that’s why I started to receive testing and was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. In 5th grade I think I finally arrived on the growth charts. I remember 7th grade we measured ourselves the first and last days of the year. I grew like 1-2 cm that year. 4’11 and 3/4 to this day and proud of it. 2 solid years of “normal” growth. I remember my endocrinologist telling me I’d always need to watch my weight, that once I started gaining it would be hard for me to loose it. That I could easily become overweight for the rest of my life. I’m thankful for her, but now I look back and notice how many things she said to me that have made me hyper-aware and self-conscious.
Me loving my body, getting to know my body- has been a whole new adventure. My shortness, my body, how Hashimoto’s has crafted those two things- more powerfully and importantly, how God created and designed those two things. In this process of going off medicine, my body is ever-changing. It’s always been a part of my story and my identity.
I asked Elisa to capture my growing confidence and to be kind with my shyness. She’s got talent and passion and a wonderfully skilled eye. I know the Lord made me beautiful, know it full well. But living in that truth daily- ugh, that’s a hard one. I can tell you, Beloved, how you are without flaw. But to remind myself- ain’t it a struggle. I look at these photos and say that: Beloved, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Elisa, I can’t thank you enough, you made me feel stunning!
